Well hello there. I see you’ve arrived at my page. You, wearing that thing that you like to wear, that [____] in particular. Fetching.
You sit in front of a computer at [____] location, looking for entertainment. You arrived here through some mysterious method… I like to think it was through the keywords “I’m bored” entered into a search engine. Search engines must be so fed up with you. They have better things to do than search for entertainment just for you, especially with such vague keywords. Your boredom could be assuaged with a dancing monkey, while his boredom could be assuaged with a research essay and her boredom could be alleviated with a string of clever jokes. You are clearly the most inferior. A dancing monkey? What primitive ape are you?!
I am afraid there are no dancing monkeys here, unless I require a dancing monkey in order to prove a point, in which case I will bring in as many dancing monkeys as required. However, I have only needed these three times before, so do not get your hopes up. A fourth time seems unlikely and ludicrous. There may be some data to read, if you like that sort of thing, and at least one clever joke, if you have a clever sense of humour, and at least one block of absurd nonsense, just to test your patience. Patience is a very important quality in a well-adjusted human, next to empathy and good hair.
You have an opportunity, now, to tell me how to entertain you. What do you want to hear about yourself? You are surprised! You didn’t think I would write about you, but you are the object of my attention. You, so fascinating. You, now scowling because you finally realized that a) there appear to be no dancing monkeys to speak of and b) I have suggested you respond and that’s extra effort on your part! You didn’t come to a text page to interact with it! And you are eating something and it’s hard to type and eat, what are you, Superman? What is the deal with me, anyhow?
Of course, I am rather miffed that you haven’t done your research, and my ego is bruised that you don’t know who I am. You don’t even have the decency to pretend you do! Squinting your eyes and straining a smile and mumbling to hide inaccuracies, something like, ‘Oh, you, uh, from, from that place! Yes! That place where we both were and did that thing!’ A very poor attempt, by the way. But better than the blank gaze I’m getting right now. Hmph.
Well, I’m H. Mori. That’s all I’ll tell you for now.
More importantly, let me tell you about you…